When Amends Don’t End Well

I felt the clamminess of my palms as I rang her doorbell. She and I had been friends years ago, but the choices I had made years earlier had separated us. Would she entertain rekindling a relationship with me again once I offered to make amends? I had no idea the amend wouldn’t go well.

It was important that I tell her sorry for doing the things I had done—that I hoped she could forgive me for all my foolishness and sinful behavior. I wanted to tell her that I now realized I hadn’t taken into consideration how my actions affected others. That I now realized I had made a real mess of things—my life.

I wanted to tell her there was good news! That I had learned from my mistakes. I had turned the corner. I had repented–changed direction–and wanted to tell her I was sorry. That I was on the way to becoming the person God intended me to be. I had hoped she’d be happy for me. I thought she’d celebrate a Prodigal Daughter finding her way back home.

That’s what I thought

That’s what I thought. But I was wrong.
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When she opened the door, I watched as her eyes, first vailed with unrecognition, gave over to remembrance. Then came the frozen smile. The smile reserved for those we’ve been taught to have pity for and hold at arm’s length. The smile you reserve for someone you do not want to know.

Her lips smiled while her eyes shot daggers at me. She stepped outside, not letting me into her house.

“Hi, it’s been a long time? How are you?” I asked, trying to warm the coolness between us.

“Good. Good.” Then with a polite, hushed voice, “You look good.”

I asked about her family. Her brothers and sisters. Her children and husband. I knew them all. Even laughed over dinner with each one of them. I had tucked her children to bed at night. We had been like sisters. Once.

“Good, good. We’re all good here.”

“I came to tell you I’m sorry on how I made a mess of things years ago. I did things that set into motion consequences I didn’t understand. And I know I hurt you. Can you forgive me? I’d like to make things right between us again. Could you see your way to giving me a second chance?”

There it was. I had exposed my emotional underbelly. I felt my chest tightening. Every fiber in me wanted to hear that she was willing to let me try and earn her trust back.

That’s when it happened

That’s when it happened: she blinked then looked down.

“Don’t be silly, we’re good. I’m sorry, but I have … something to do. I have to go.”

I reached for her arm. “Maybe we can have coffee sometime?” I needed time to follow-up, tell her about how I had changed. I had given my life to Christ and was a new creature. I wanted to see her give a I’ve-missed-you-and-am-glad-you’re-in-my-life smile.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she purred.” My days are pretty full. But it was good to see you. Yeah, it was … good. Take care of yourself. I’ll give you a call sometime.”

With that, she backed into her house, closed and locked the door behind her.

Sometimes

Sometimes situations don’t go as planned. You follow your script. Offered repentance—true repentance—and even ask for suggestions on how to re-build trust. You open up. You become vulnerable and transparent. And the door still closes in your face.

You experience invisibility—when you’re told things are good, but clearly they aren’t. Painful—yes. Not what you expect—yes. All lost … absolutely not!

All is not lost

Forgiveness is just as much for the person forgiving as for the person forgiven, and so are the effects of making amends. You may walk up to a door as I did and suffer the same shame and heartbreak, but the amend did not go unnoticed.

Forgiveness is just as much for the person forgiving as for the person forgiven, and so are the effects of making amends.

Apostle Paul tells us how to live like Christ designed in Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” As far as it depends on you. Those words carry power and freedom.

We cannot change the past, no matter how hard we try. God won’t even do that. You may get shut out of prior relationships you were in because of choices you had made, but please remember, once repented,  those sins were covered by Jesus’ blood when he died for our sins.

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
1 John 1:9

When I walked up to that door, my audience included Christ Jesus himself. He saw me. He felt my conviction and broken spirit when I offered to make the relationship right again. And He witnessed that my making amends wasn’t enough for my old friend. She was within her rights to not welcome my attempt to fix things.

But it was enough for Him.

When making amends doesn’t seem to be enough, focus on whose opinion counts the most. Focus on Christ. And if you do not know Christ, oh, friend, please ask to know him right now. Your heart will forever be changed.

Looking for a Do-Over?