Coming to Grips with Reality

When I was told I had a brain tumor and given ten days to put my affairs in order, I had to come to grips with reality—life as I knew it could radically change in less than two weeks.  I was greeted with the cold fact that couldn’t control the world around me. As much as I willed it, I could not erase my tumor and the fact that I needed brain surgery—and needed it right away.

Where I found the most comfort in those ten days was focusing my efforts on Who held my ten days in His hand. I was forced to let go of my illusion of control. Honestly, I can tell you I fought it for a while. It wasn’t easy because I had little choice in the matter. But it was simple. I learned the process as a child:

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong
They are weak but he is strong
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so
Warner (1860)

My New Reality 

Here I was with more on my plate than I’d had for years. I loved riding bikes with my husband, worked a full-time job, blogged, was in the middle of building my social platform, serving with my church, writing a new book and seeking a publisher for one already written.

All that and I was scheduled for brain surgery.

I knew the verses that say Jesus loves me—I knew the songs. Yet I fretted. Was it control I was seeking? Having a brain tumor again could mess things up.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so …

Some of what I want is God-centered. I want to continue sharing how he had pulled me out of the muck and mire I crawled into all those years earlier.

Little ones to him belong
They are weak but he is strong …

But some of what I want is purely selfish. I was also thinking about my husband and children. I wanted to be able to enjoy them for more years yet. That was what I wanted.

Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me …

While I waffled between focusing on my wants and God’s, I found comfort knowing I was not alone in this type of struggle. Apostle Paul—the Rock Star of the New Testament—talked about that very thing in Romans 7. I like the way The Message reads:

“… For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.” (vs 17-20)

Yes Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so

I remember coming to grips with reality and changing my focus from my brain tumor and putting it on an unchangeable God. I focused on the fact that Jesus loves me. The brain tumor would either be there, or it wouldn’t. I would either get better with surgery or wouldn’t. Fretting over it wouldn’t help. But focusing on Jesus did. And knowing that God hadn’t been surprised by the tumor was a comfort as well. It was a simple shift but, oh friend, don’t think it was an easy one. How could I be so confident?

Why—because the Bible told me so.

 

What say you?

What do you wonder about?  Are you happy … or are you doing what you never thought you’d do? Do you see consistencies … or are you all over the place? Drop me a line. I’d love to chat.

Struggling to find good in your life? Check out my award-winning book, God’s Best During Your Worst, or check out any of my other books on my Book page.