Entry #3 – Am I Worth It?

Poster-LoResDuring Launch Week, (December 9-15) for Doug Bender’s, Live Second, I have been asked to participate in writing blog entries telling the story of my spiritual journey as it correlates with separate entries from his book. Come along and experience … and learn why I live second.

Page 43 – Addict

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. Romans 7:15 NLT

The day that I realized I was addicted to relationships (co-dependent) was the best day—as well as the worst day—of my life. The best because I learned that there were other people just like me who learned to control their compulsion and that if I followed their example, I would be able to manage my compulsion, too. And it was the worst day of my life because I realized I had an emotional condition that could never be healed; only controlled. Just as those dealing with Diabetes who need to take insulin on a regular basis, I would always need to manage my compulsion.

Listening to healthy people who understood my addiction, I learned that there were aspects to this condition that I was responsible for, and they guided me in addressing what mistakes were mine. I learned to accept the fact that if Paul, hero of the First Century church, struggled with doing what was not right, I needed to stop expecting perfection from myself. God wasn’t interested in me pursuing my perfection, but accepting his. That included being transparently honest about my brokenness; with Christ as well as the support system around me. In addition to learning how to be honest, I focused my time searching Scripture for promises from God telling me that I was worth it.

After my last divorce, I knew I needed to look at my life differently. I asked God to be my first love. I asked him to put blinders on my eyes so I could stay focused on only two things: getting closer to him and being the best Mom I could be to the children he blessed me with. As I read scripture, his word came alive with promise after promise. I often returned to some of my favorites in difficult times: Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:5-6, and Hebrews 13:5.

I came to the realization that because I was addicted to relationships, I needed to steer clear of them. Just as a recovering alcoholic needed to stay away from alcohol or where alcohol was used, I needed to stay away from men. Once I accepted what was controlling my life, I knew I had to live differently. I stopped dating completely. I concentrated on what I needed to do to be healthy. I focused on my children and my Lord. I read my Bible every day and spend much time in prayer. I was in church every time the doors were open. I focused on being the parent I needed to be to my children. I had a plan again, but this time it was centered on who God wanted me to be.

And God met me where I was. I was still co-dependent but learned that I could be thankful for my condition. In my addiction—my brokenness—I was able to clearly see my need of a Savior. I needed to be second.

I was so close. I knew what I wanted and I knew what to do to have it. But knowing was only part of the battle. I had to do what God wanted me to do. I still needed to understand and trust God. Would I—an addict—be willing to put God first? Follow me into the last blog of this series and see how I find release from my demons.

Tweet using #IASaddict to share your thoughts.

2 thoughts on “Entry #3 – Am I Worth It?

  1. Thinking Second: Phil. 4:11; I Cor. 10:31; I John 4:19
    As we go along in our Christian walk, we learn that when He is our first love, everything else falls into place in our lives. Therefore, we become Second.

    God bless you Robin.

    Like

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